The Truth about Severus Snape
by StarCandy
Summary: Caroline Skeeter, Hogwarts psychiatrist uncovers the truth about Severus Snape. Harry Potter, House Elf’s and Afros what more could you want? > > >


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Prologue

After all of the mischief she had caused, you would think that Caroline would have been fired.

Although as we all know Dumbledore, being slightly senile, let it slide… 

This is set a few hours after Caroline interviewed the students so…

Harry is still alive

Ron hasn't become a house elf … yet

Draco is still at Hogwarts (planning to kill harry)

And… Hermione … hasn't grown at all…

Of course that won't matter when Wobby kills them all.

*manic laughter is heard is the distance*

Although they don't know that yet and at this very moment Professor Snape is on his way to Caroline's office…

The Truth about Severus Snape

"Honestly this woman cannot be, righted!" Snape muttered to himself whilst gazing at the home-made plaque on Ms Skeeter's office door.

__

How does one determine inner peace without guidance? The soul is not opaque, and from an onlookers perspective it can seem translucent. Through psychiatry we can open the doors. Although only when we work together. This is the first step to success!

Instead of lingering on the thought of _"Who the hell taught this woman to write in Italics." _Snape hurried inside the mad woman's office.

His first impressions were,

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" Garden chair? Bean bag? She's worst than Trelawney! "

Then to make it worse she appeared, from where exactly he wasn't sure.

"Please, make yourself comfortable."

In response she received a glare that would of made Neville Longbottom wet himself. Snape conjured himself a wooden chair and sat down, still stony faced.

"Here," Caroline handed him a small roll of parchment.

"As they are slightly unofficial Dumbledore requested that I show everyone their records." Snape simply glazed her over once and turned away.

Severus Snape

Profession: Potions master

Love: Sexual orientation unknown

Possible love affairs: Eight: Narcissa Malfloy, Lucius Malfloy, Remus Lupin, Sirius black, Dumbledore, Voldemort, Harry Potter, Minevera…

Favourite students: Draco Malfoy (Slytherins overall)

Disliked students: Harry potter (Gryfindors, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs overall)

Bad habits: Sources seemed to feel that giving information on this would incriminate them.

Although no words were spoken Snape's eyes had become pools and gradually turned from grey to black as he read on. When he finally spoke his voice was low.

"I am only here as Dumbledore requested all professors have at-least one session." He paused,

"Although that does not give you permission to make random guesses about things that do not concern you. I am some-what curious as to why the Potter boys name is next to 'Possible love affairs'?" Harry Potters name disappeared and was replaced by 'Hagrid' (a/n sorry I couldn't help myself).

"It's my job to make guesses, they push 'patients' to reveal details about themselves." 

"I do not wish to reveal anything about my sexual orientation."

Caroline grinned…

"I bet you don't, lets discuss something else then."

"Like what, may I ask?" His face expressionless

"Your parents."

At the word parents Snape flinched slightly.

"Why?"

"I can't but help find your manner, cold, I'm sensing problems in your childhood, cruelty, evil and abuse are the only possible explanations for your behaviour. You may have forgotten now but ignorance will consume you," she finished panting slightly, trying to catch her breath. 

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Maybe if I tell her she will shut up and I can get out of here…

"Fine, I will tell you but if you so much as whisper anything about this to another person… I will place my hands around your neck and strangle you until I cut off your air supply and you pass-away." Snape's voice remained low during this statement although there was a flicker of amusement in his eyes.

Caroline's response was rushed, her voice breaking…

"Everything you tell me is confidential."

"I do not speak about my parents often as many of their antics are, shameful. If it were not for my uncle insisting I was named after him, I would undoubtedly be named… Moonbeam."

"Moonbeam Snape, has a certain ring to it."

"Do not patronise me, if my parents were still alive today we would call them degenerates and stone them."

" I'm sure they wouldn't be treated that harshly. "

" Two of the most promising Slytherins in Hogwarts start picking flowers and wearing flares and you tell me they wouldn't be treated harshly." His voice was gradually getting louder.

"Are you saying your parents were… hippies?"

"For lack of a better word yes, I was force fed Tofu and surrounded all things bright and… fuzzy."

"So this is why you dress in black?"

"Well it makes a decent change, I will never live down to shame of my father collecting me from the Hogwarts express after my first year, sporting an … Afro!"

"Its ok Sevvy their dead now, they can't hurt you anymore, your safe."

"You are the first person who has ever dared to give me a nickname, do it again and I will beat you over the head with a shovel."

"I understand, you have a lot of pent up emotions, let it all out."

(a/n and so a Snape rant begins)

"Ok, and another thing, why is it that my hair is always greasy, I do wash it you know. And my robes never stay in one place? Why is it that Harry is a juvenile delinquent and gets away with it all, just because he's famous? And who let a fool like Lockheart write a book? Why do Slytherins never knock Gryfindor off their brooms in Quidditch? And how the hell do house-elf's reproduce *bad mental image*, and why for the love of god, hasn't Lucius been mentioned in leather yet? Do you have the answers for me now? Is the door open?"

"I erm." Caroline shuffled uncomfortably

"I haven't even started on house elf characteristics yet! Why cant they talk properly, they sound like Longbottom on Steroids. Why do none of their punishments involve chopping off their enormous ears and scratching out their eyes? And who has committed such a travesty as to start a house elf liberation front?"

"You're a little over excited, try and calm down."

"No, I finally see to gain power one must have an attack from within, I will succeed where the dark lord has failed… do you happen to have Wobby's number?"

"House elf's do not have cell phones, neither do wizards," she stated eyeing him suspiciously.

"My parents were hippies remember, they used cell phones and toasters."

"Toasters?"

"It's a muggle breakfast toast cooking device, you put bread in and…"

"Bread?"

"Oh come on…"

Several confused looks later…

"Wobby doesn't have a number but he hangs around the school kitchens, you could probably find him there. If you run into Dobby instead, give him a kick for me?"

Snape didn't reply, the door slammed on his way out. 

Caroline's final thought:

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The patient revealed a lot today, and this session proves that Severus Snape is an extremely disturbed individual and should be avoided at all costs, his plans to form a house elf army are obvious, and his blatant attraction for Mr Potter has been denied only because in Canon it would seem unethical. Although this is not the end, and while Fanon still exists Harry and Snape shippers will still find a way to make Harry a little older, Snape a little sexier and one crazy night in Japan all seem possible. This one is for you guys…

Keep on truckin… J 

The End
    
    Go on and review, you know you want to…
    (a/n anyone know a good yahoo group for Harry/Snape shippers ??? )
    Review here: -http://www.fictionalley.org/ficalley/reviews/showthread.php?s=&threadid=3895 


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